Loving Me

As I sit here with my morning cup of tea my mind contemplates life as it always does.  During the course of its wondering memories flooded in of times, I said, "I'm sorry".  It seems I was always apologizing for something.  It doesn't happen as often as it used to, and I am much better now at catching myself before I utter the words.  See, for the better part of my life, I didn't love myself.  I think most of us go through this except maybe those who qualify as clinically narcissistic.

I still apologize, but I do so now when I am convicted in my spirit of wrongdoing.  When I know I have violated a spiritual law such as "do unto others".  Before, I would apologize for everything.  I didn't believe in myself, and more importantly I didn't love myself.  I created a pain filled existence surrounded by bars of shame.  If someone didn't approve, like or acknowledge me in some way I truly believed I had done something horrifically wrong on some level.  Because I wasn't accepted or had a stamp of approval, I was a bad person.  Throughout my life, I did my best to please everyone.  To make sure there was peace, and if anything went wrong it was my fault. Most of it was illogical thinking of course, but in my mind and heart, it became truth.  Yes, I had trauma as a child, who doesn't?  Who actually has a 'normal' existence or normal family life?  Everyone on this planet, every human walks through the valley of death at some point.  No one walks the same path.  What I experienced over time became my prison.  At some point as an adult, I chose the prison. Why?  Simple.  I believed it was the truth.  When we believe a lie and it becomes a living 'truth' within our soul it is very hard to identify it as a lie anymore.  The lie becomes a part of who we are and how we live.  I truly believed in my soul I was a mistake.  It was the only reasoning which would explain why I, in my mind, failed at everything.  The day things began to change for me was the day I sat on my bed crying from my soul.  I wanted my lungs to stop breathing and my heart to stop beating.  I looked up to heaven and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I breathe."  I was truly repentant that I was alive.

From that moment until now, I have walked through healing. Understanding I had bought into a lie which was told to me at a very young age and throughout my life.  Realizing this I can begin to identify the bars placed about me by others, and the bars which I have created myself.  Over time I have torn down those bars and left behind the prison created to kill my soul.  I am now walking in the 'I Am'.  It is a state of understanding and knowledge of one's core self.  The spirit and soul created within.  I am who I am.  I learn as I learn.  I grow as I grow. I am no one else.  I am me.  I erased from the universal chalkboard all of the lies which were written.  Even those written before I was born.  I have total control over what goes on that board.  If it is not in line with 'I am' I reject it, and if this means walking away from someone I will do that as well.  I will no longer apologize for myself.  If I have not broken a spiritual or moral law there is absolutely no reason for those words to pass my lips again.  Do I accomplish this in every moment?  No.  But, I'm getting better at it.

I finally fell in love with me.  I am also content if no one else loves me.  I am worthy to be here.  I need no one else's validation for my existence.  I was born and I live.  I breathe and contribute to this life the best way I know how.  My self-worth in not dependent upon the approval of anyone else.  I can now be in the enemy's camp and not be afraid.

The following poem is just one of many pain filled poems I have written over the years.  I know many wish to hear the fluffy, butterfly and rainbow filled poems, but I feel there are those out there who are being tormented by the feelings of unworthiness.  I hope my words help them to understand they are not alone, and others experience darkness too.  If they would just hang on, allow the light to penetrate the lies, they would see the beauty of themselves and begin to live in truth. One day at a time.

Only the Angels

Tears of pain and anguish flow
Rain falls down on a lost soul
Where is the sun and where is the peace
Things of which the Spirit doth keep
On the wings of angels I fly
Bearing now the tears I cry
On their wings I can be free
Only they can cherish me
Scars so deep
Healing never known
Broken dreams and heart this life has sown
Looking for a place of solace, peace to be free
Healing to have, wholeness within
Where is this place to begin
Only the angels can bear me up
Tears of life fill my cup
Breathing my last I lay down to rest
Feeling my heart's last beat in my chest
Willing not rise and see the sun
Praying this pain to finally be done.

(2007©)

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