Special Ops, Filters Pt. 2

I have written previously about filters where I addressed the concept of how we each have our own unique set we use to process the external and internal worlds we exist in.  Recently I have walked through a situation which has deepened my understanding of my own filters and has enlightened me to the concept of a specific 'type' of a filter.  A filter I did not realize I had.

There are the broken filters, which are those no longer conducive to forward growth and are basically the ones we have outgrown and can hinder the development of healthy relationships.  Then there are the healthy filters which are exactly what it sounds like. They are a healthy application of understanding and knowledge in any given situation helping us to make wise decisions concerning our existence.

It is amazing to me to be in a place in life where I thought I knew myself wholly.  Then so abruptly with a full on face plant into a brick wall realize there are still areas of myself which are unknown to me.  I considered myself comfortable in my own skin, able to embrace all the idiosyncrasies of my personality, and truly believed I had a healthy handle on all things me. If anyone were to have asked me on a scale of one to ten where I saw my personal growth I would have placed me in the top half of the scale at a minimum.  However, I would soon walk through something which would strip away the rose colored glasses perched so proudly upon my nose.  Now, this is not to say I have been totally wrong and in error on all fronts.  No, this is simply me entering into a new realm of harsh reality and understanding about who I am.

The hardest thing for me to do during a time of growth and learning is to show myself grace and mercy.  I have compassion and mercy for another soul more than I do for myself.  This being because I hold myself to such a high standard that to me there is no excuse for what I would consider a failure.  This situation I walked through, I wholeheartedly considered a failure.  However, I am deeply grateful for the experience because I was introduced to a new area of myself and now have a deeper understanding of why I respond in a particular way to certain situations.
In the knowledge, we have healthy filters and broken filters I wanted to identify which filter I had used.  I honestly could not put this situation into either category.  It just did not fit.  On the broken side, there is reading into something which was not fact based, nor logical and a total assumption resulting in a negative response.  However, on the healthy side, there is remaining true to the core, which holds the foundation of who one is and the moral code resulting in a positive, level headed response.  This situation didn't seem to belong in either one. It was not identifiable to just one criteria. It was a plethora of things. So where did this go? What category should it be placed under?  Because it did not fit into just one there must be a third I was unaware of. In my view, it was the only logical explanation for my response. Now I just had to identify it and give it a name.

After much deep thinking and internal dialogue, I came to the conclusion this new filter is a merging of the healthy and the broken.  In other words, a new filter is created when we go through traumatic events in our lives causing us to grow under duress.  We have healthy understanding merged with the memory of pain making the filter stricter and somewhat hard to those who are on the receiving end. This harshness can be viewed as being aloof or standoffish, bitchy, unreasonable or even crazy to some.  This is because they do not have the history behind the filter.  All they know is they are dealing with someone who to them, for all intents and purposes, is being unreasonable. When in fact, it is the exact opposite.  We have actually entered into a specialized area of our soul.

This new 'super filter' I am going to label Special Ops.  It is known for saying things like, "I pay more attention to what you do than to what you say",  including 'in your face' kind of questions and making someone walk on glass to prove themselves (this is an exaggeration, but you get my point).  This SpOps filter has a highly developed discernment for BS.  It can laser in on the misrepresentation of facts quicker than Jason Bourne disappearing before your eyes and reappearing behind you whispering for you to get some sleep.  It does its homework and does its research via any means available for knowledge to be able to make the most effective response possible.  It understands this as the quickest way to the truth.  This filter is triggered by special circumstances because it was created in the same.  If one is on the receiving end of this filter, and they are truly genuine in their intentions, there would be no issue in addressing the concerns presented.  If something is brought to the table as 'fact' then the healthy response would be to calmly address the concern, the fact, and move on allowing the filter to fade to the background.  Unfortunately, most people do not realize what they are dealing with and walk away.  In the end, the situation, circumstance or information is sifted through causing the broken filters to become more obsolete and less accessible.  This is because new and more accurate information has been absorbed.  The soul has literally used a specialized area of itself to heal that which was broken.

So, what happened was.....I lost my center out of pure, unadulterated fear.  I have an issue with trust.  Anyone who knows me knows I admit this upfront.  I do not hide who I am.  I am an open book for anyone to read if they so choose to sit with me and know me.  I have learned once again I cannot expect anyone outside of myself to filter things as I do. This is the way for all of us.  Unless they are willing to listen with an understanding heart to the back history, it is a fruitless endeavor to explain oneself.  When two souls become close the history is part of the story.  How can one be a true friend yet tell another, "I don't want to know what happened back then? That's history. You need to leave it there."  One can share their history without living it within the present. Those who have wisdom know this.  All of us are the result of our past, and if we are to be soulmates (friend or lover) we must learn to embrace the whole of each other.

I have walked in hell many times, and I have danced with the devil.  If I had to go back there again I know I would be able to walk out because I know the way so intimately.  Through it all, I have survived, and as I get older, growing in wisdom, I have learned to thrive in my life.  I thrive in the beauty of me. I AM.  I know who I AM and I also know who I am not.  Because of this dance my SpOps filters are harsh when they are activated. This is not a reflection of the person who is on the receiving end at all.  It simply means there is something in the current situation which causes the red flags to fly.  Once everything has been addressed it stands down and goes dormant.  This filter is there for a reason.  It was created in pain and a rending of the soul.  What people have to understand is for those of us who have this filter, it is permanent.  This is what I was desperate to identify, and I now know this is a permanent part of my soul.  In knowing this I can reconcile what happened recently and stop beating myself black and blue.  I wasn't purposely setting out to hurt someone.  My intentions were in truth and pure. My heart was not dark or vengeful.  I was actually standing up for myself, loving me and setting healthy boundaries.  All using a tool I did not know I possessed.  Do you see?  The merging of healthy and broken?

Because I do not actively live in my past I was unaware of what I was dealing with.  This was all new to me. Growth always reveals undiscovered territory.  Those who suffer from PTSD, forms of abuse or who have lived in harsh circumstances may know to what I am referring.  There are those of us who bear deep scars which have become a beautiful part of who we are.  They are our battle scars, our survival scars, and these scars remind us to thrive in our moments.  To embrace all wholeheartedly and unconditionally because we know how it feels to be rejected, torn and broken.  Give us truth, honesty and vulnerability above all things because this is what we wish to be with everyone else. And forgive us when we go Special Ops on you because it is not premeditated nor planned, it just is.

Do I believe this applies to everyone?  Of course not, I am speaking from my own journey.  Because of it, I know how to sense this now.  And, if it is ever activated again I will handle it with grace. This is something I think we all could learn to do for ourselves.  To give grace. We have to show ourselves this before we can expect anyone else to.  It is the way of things, and it is as it should be.  Is it not?

~ E                    

Breakaway | Charlie-Bowater | Source


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