Stories In My Head

There are so many ways, wording, the reiteration of certain well-known phrases, or even phrases I have created myself, where I attempt to bring my self-growth to the page.   When I write, I always wonder, "Does this matter?  All has been contemplated by someone, then written or spoken, and most everything so more eloquently than I. What could I possibly add to make another think, feel or be on a deeper level? "  In the attempt to place upon the page the recesses of my contemplations, I struggle against the internal critique who tells me it all is for naught. What could I possibly say which would surpass the surface level of communication with the outer world and bring a deeper meaning?  I realize my path is not to do as others before have done, nor is it to just rewrite (or say) those things which have already been spun a thousand different ways already.  My path is to share my perspective and understanding of those revelations which have helped push me to know myself better and to identify who I AM at my core.

I am not astute on surface communication, empty conversation, and small talk is hard for me, but I try.  I do better with questions which I can contemplate and attempt to answer.  One such conversation took place which two simple questions were posed to me, "Why would you make yourself feel this way?  What is behind it?"  After much thought, I understand the stories created my internal state.  The stories spun within to give me answers to the hard questions in life. These stories could be full of truth or riddled with holes of illogical thinking, stuck in the murky mire of emotions, sparked with the illumination of epiphanies or hopefully the peaceful state of thorough understanding.  I decide the stories using the internal filters (whether broken or not) to analyze information and come to the conclusions which will ultimately determine my state of being.  I have learned and am being pushed to uncover deep rooted seeds of insecurity like I have never known before.  It is a place of stories within my inner self I have purposely shied away from addressing, the place I have created stories to hide, protect and ignore that which I feel cannot be controlled or changed.

Now that I am ready to address this place, I wonder dear reader if I take you along with me on my inner journey of revelation, would it shed some light on your inner fantasy world of stories?  I can only hope. Here is what I have come to learn of myself recently.

I, of course, have a very vivid imagination.  I have used this imagination for and against myself.  In certain areas, I have used it to tell very damaging stories.  These stories create great chasms of doubt, insecurity, and fear. Have you ever been in a situation where you spin every scenario imaginable? Doing this helps alleviate the anxiety attached to the lack of control.  Telling myself stories helps me feel in control.  However, in doing so, I set myself up for deeper feelings of anxiousness without realizing it.

As I begin to analyze the stories, I realize although there are many places within I have cleaned out there are others that have only been added to or neatly organized to give the illusion of dealing with what lies within. The Divine, the Universe, God, whoever has decided to force me into facing what is there; forcing me to acknowledge the lack of growth and deeper understanding.  The stories I have told are a mere smoke screen in the attempts to deflect from addressing the rooted seeds of pain.  I already know embracing the pain, allowing it to flow freely, addressing it head on is the only way to learn from it, grow and continue to evolve into a complete state of the I AM.  I have to be willing to tear at the illusion of my foundation in certain areas to create a real foundation based in truth.  Removing the root of the seed out however painful it may be, promotes the healing process and keeps the same seed from regrowing, sometimes more robust than the last pruning.

In identifying the root, finding out how it was planted and tended over my lifetime thus far shows me how I have only perpetuated the false insecurities.  Although I know I am secure it is only in those places I am willing to face.  Until I am ready to do the hardest work of all, I will continue to walk through situations in this life directing me back to the root in the places I have ignored.  It is now time to stop telling the stories about situations not based in truth and learn what the truth is. What is being reflected back to me in these situations?  What is the inner me?

At an early age, I was taught through emotional and mental abuse the withdrawing of affection was punishment. If I was not a certain way, doing a particular thing or acting as I should according to the opinions of others, there was a form of punishment.  I understood this was the only way I could be loved.  In learning this dynamic, I began the spinning of stories in myself to alleviate the pain and anxiety.  I also learned to watch for physical and verbal cues as to the emotional state or mindset of someone.  Observation allowed me to prepare myself for the 'worst' if it was going to happen, and it helped me uncover what lay behind a mask if it were worn.  The skill of reading someone is a good tool to have if used correctly.  It is when it wrapped in false stories it becomes detrimental. Through the years I used this coping skill to keep myself from further pain, but in doing so created a false sense of security within.  It also taught me not to trust anyone or believe in anyone.  I convinced myself my stories were the only truth regardless of the facts because in my mind the stories were more real due to the security they gave me.  This belief affected most relationships I have had throughout my life.  In looking back, I can see how ignoring these areas has kept me from experiencing many incredible adventures. Insecurities are fear based, and fear is the killer of all dreams.

The main word to address in these stories is trust.  I never learned to trust outside of myself.  Placing confidence in another person was, and is, something I find tough.  It is a rare occurrence when I turn over myself entirely to another.  Is this not true freedom, though?  To be so secure in all areas to be able to give over one's self to another in total trust regardless of the outcome?  To trust even though there is no control over the other person's response?  More so to be secure when there is not a response or acceptance at all?  To simply be in a state of realness and rawly open?  The willingness to be completely vulnerable and real because the inner self is secure in all areas?  But, in the same sense unless we go through circumstances which teach us these areas remain undeveloped.  The key is the growth.  If we are not growing, it indicates a blockage, and it is at this moment identifying the 'why' and 'what' is blocking our growth leads us deeper inside.  'Who am I' according to the revelation of the inner-self, not according to the outcome or response of another.

The stories in this area construct who I think I am according to other people.  The trauma at such a delicate age and the perpetuation over the years by my persistent belief in the false perceptions of myself have created an environment of self-doubt and anxiety.  Jason Silva posted a video (see below) in which he references the 'looking glass self-theory' written in 1902 by the psychologist Charles H. Cooley (link below).  In it, Cooley states a person's 'self' is formed from the interpersonal interactions and perceptions of others.  Cooley goes on to say, "I am not who I think I am.  I am not who you think I am.  I am who I think you think I am."  In other words, we develop this inner-self based on how we perceive others to view us.  This thought aligns with the idea of the stories we tell ourselves. Cooley's statement helped me to uncover the deep seeded issues with trust I have.   Due to my experiences in life, I have through my stories, created a part of myself based on how I think other people think I am.  The thought process is a false self-perception because I have absorbed their personal view of me as an accurate representation of who I am.

In this particular place within, I have allowed myself to believe the stories created around what I think others thought me to be - unlovable, unworthy, unlikable, annoying, ugly, less than, stupid, unstable (insert negative adjective here).  I would view their actions or words and filter all of it through these stories I had created based on previous traumatic experiences, never once considering it was not the real me to from the start.  Just because someone does a certain thing or says, a particular word does not make it part of myself unless I make it so.  In other words, I can now tear down all of the false perceptions of myself in this area based on who I think others think I am.

These are facts I know concerning all other areas of my life, and I can now use these facts to establish the right foundation for trusting others.  I AM worthy, lovable, honest, trusting (until now in only certain areas), trustworthy, giving, loving, generous, kind, considerate, compassionate, empathetic, spiritual, intelligent, intuitive, fun, funny, sarcastic, lovely, beautiful, sexy, healthy, caring, emotionally sensitive, loyal, deep, poetic, romantic, hard working, goal oriented, a dreamer, a gypsy, full of wanderlust, athletic and so many more.  Because I know and believe all of these positive things about myself, I can apply them to situations where my deepest inner self is concerned.  I protect and keep my inner-self healthy by trusting these facts.  On this level, by trusting myself, I can now filter situations I find myself in with another soul.  Uprooting the old self-perceptions is necessary.

Because I know I am all these things, and willing to be in a deeper knowing of self, in turning over my all to someone else if they withdraw their attention or affection it is nothing to do with who I AM. It has everything to do with who they are. Ultimately, I AM okay, safe, secure, whole and still free to be me, arms akimbo to the skies, dancing without reason, leaking positive vibes everywhere kind of okay.  I AM perfectly me, and I choose to trust with my heart.  In that inner sanctum where a beautiful child kneels over a broken heart wondering what is so wrong with her that she cannot be loved for who she is. I walk to her and sit with her, wrapping my body around her tiny, bent form. In her little hands, she holds our heart of hope and love.  I place my hands beneath hers, and we hold our heart together, rocking to its soft beat.  Her tears fall upon my arms, her red hair hangs over her face, and she makes no sound because in this place of pain she had learned her voice would never be heard anyway, so she stopped trying.  With my right hand, I gently reach and brush her soft curls from her face, and as we hold our heart together, I begin to whisper in her ear a new mantra.  A mantra of affirmation and love, telling her all the things I have learned while she has been in this place all alone.  I ask her forgiveness for abandoning her here because I thought I was protecting her, but in reality, I had done the opposite.  I embrace her pain and allow the memories of the traumas to flow through with a new understanding it was the abuser who was lacking, not me.  This precious and beautiful child that I use to be, that I AM, is perfect in every way.

It will take some time for this place to be clear and free of the old.  But, I am here inside it now, willing to do the work to be fully healed and whole because I want to trust and love on the deepest level I can fully.  I want to learn always, to continue to grow in the deepest places I can reach. I have my inner child now, holding her, loving her and in this, I AM free regardless of the perceptions of how others view me.  Experience me or not, I choose to be me.  I don't want to be anybody else.  I don't want to be anyone else's perception of me.  I want to know who I AM according to my inner enlightenment.  Let the work begin I say, let it begin.

The Heart of the Sun | junalesca | Source

Jason Silva - Who Am I?
Charles H. Cooley - Looking Glass Self Theory



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