Where Do I Go From Here?

8/9 - The guard isn't doing his job very well. I deleted the post because the fallout became ridiculous and annoying. I had to laugh and shake my head at the absolute lack of logic in it all. They started attacking this blog and acting as if I owed an explanation for my post. Like, wait...what? You visited my blog, and it made you even more upset? But you visited my blog. Like...wow, cool. I should post comments more often. I didn't realize this site was on anyone's radar. 

I can't help their lack of theological knowledge, though. Trying to hijack a generic term, apply modern gender ideology to it, Frankenstein it to use the term to justify their sexual proclivities, while attempting to undermine Biblical theology? No. It doesn't work like that. Sigh. It is what it is.

When I'm here writing, I feel alone. It is an empty chamber. I can mentally hear the echo of my typing reverberate through the air. The vision I have is me sitting in darkness before a white screen, typing. It is empty here. The aloneness is calming.  I just wish the transfer of my thoughts to black and white wasn't such a struggle. It can be exhausting.   

It's raining today. I love the rain, the thunder, the rumble through the atmosphere. I'm in the mountains now. The storms are different here. After living in the city for years, I love the mountains. The way the wind curls through the trees. The clouds seem closer. Two of my favorite places now are the sea and the mountains. 

One day what is within will finally make its way into the open. The key will find its way to me and unlock the chains that bind me. One day, there will be freedom. Until then, I breathe. In and out. One day at a time. Let the tears flow and dry as they will. Let my heart ache as it will. Let my imagination be as it will. One day it will all connect and the chrysalis will finally split. 

For now, I am here.

E


7/28 - I just can't with myself some days. My brain is so different than neurotypical people, and it's exhausting sometimes. I hear one thing within the conversation, and then it's off to the races. This is one of the reasons I would never be able to enter the debating arena. People who can do this with calm, composure, and quick wit are amazing to me. I sit in wonder sometimes while listening to them. It's like watching a tennis match, or a ping pong match.

I receive information, and it takes me a hot minute to mull it, section it, compartmentalize it, go down all the rabbit trails of possibilities and outcomes, to then a week later make a response. By then, those who were involved in the original conversation have already moved on three times over. However, there are those times when I have thoughts, and they exit my mouth as soon as the words process through my brain. Once they are out there in the ether, there is no take-backs. I just have to brace for the fallout. 

This exact scenario happened the other day. I made a comment on someone's IG post. What the person said in the video processed through the web of my brain, and I heard certain things. I made a statement after processing, and it unleashed a torrent of idiocy in response. My friend told me what I said is above other people's heads and they are not understanding my points, which is fair, I guess. I thought to take it down, but everyone has told me to leave it because it is feeding the algorithm to this person's account. But the OCD and divergent hamsters on the brain wheel won't shut up about it. I want to respond and correct them so that they can see the point of my post. 

This is another example of how my processing is so very different than those around me. It doesn't matter if I restate or dumb down anything; they still won't get it. And, ultimately, it doesn't matter. Most people are already off to another conversation, debate, or argument anyway. It is what it is. I just don't like the feelings of half-conversations. My post went too deep when most people are surface riders. 

You'd think I'd know better by now. Unfortunately for me, one of the hamsters hit the reset button and took the microphone to the PA system. 

My prayer for the next few months will be, "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips." Psalm 141:3, and maybe He can do a double tap on some of these hamsters while He is at it. 

Coffee sounds good.

E



7/25 - It's funny how a reflection can bring you crashing back to reality. Because I tend to live in my imagination, when things such as this happen, I go through all the feelings of disappointment, sadness, frustration, annoyance...all the things. I can remember as a child my mom would always tell me to get my head out of the clouds and get back to reality. I hated it. I can remember reading encyclopedias when I ran out of books. I can't recall how many times in the morning before school she found me sleeping in my closet because it was the only place I could have a light and not get caught.    

The signs were there, but I couldn't communicate to her, and she could only see an unreachable child. The labels were easier. Rebellious, sensitive, emotional, weird, touched. Of course, autism wasn't something we heard of as often back then, if at all, especially for girls. I was just an odd child. I was only ever able to maintain one friend. Normally it was an extrovert who felt sorry for me and adopted me. This led to many problems, adventures, and ultimately a broken heart. I am so grateful to my childhood friend who stuck by me through middle school. She had such patience with me. 

I wasn't diagnosed until after I lost my mother in 2017. After her death, my world began to crack at the seams, and the coping mechanisms began to fail one by one. At the ripe age of forty-eight, I found myself in a therapist's office taking a test that held over three hundred questions. The results were in - high-functioning autistic. What did that even mean? After a year in therapy, I was able to look back over my life through new eyes. I understood all of the struggles, anxiety, confusion, and frustration for the first time. Mirroring others had been the only way I could function. I still mirror to be able to socialize. Otherwise, I'd be that person sitting in the corner like a statue, not moving for hours. Of course, I'd be fine because I'm in my head, but it makes other people uncomfortable. So, I keep myself to myself most of the time. 

My therapist said I should be proud of surviving like I did by consistently moving forward. Pushing through, though I was under the most extreme mental and emotional stress due to being neurodivergent. But it is what it is. Lessons. Very precious lessons. 

Now, when the reflection hits me with a dose of reality, I have to let the feelings wash over me. Take a breath, and move forward. There is nothing I can do for the time lost. And, maybe one day, the white-haired lady that stares back at me won't surprise me anymore. 

E

7/9 - It feels like my life has been in boxes for the last decade or longer. I have been unpacking them lately and came across my old photo albums. What I wouldn't do for a time machine. So many points in my existence that I would change. Anyone who says they wouldn't change a thing seems questionable to me. Maybe they can forget and let go, but for me, it's like having hamsters on the proverbial wheel twenty-four-seven. The stupid thing squeaks. Unpacking the photos makes the memories flood back with a vengeance. Remembering to release the pain, to look ahead with hope, to know I did my best in those moments with who I was at that time. To remember I loved, made mistakes, loved some more, and made more mistakes. I hope I can look back in another ten years and say the same thing. Hopefully, with fewer mistakes this time.

I have come to know that God can reach down through the threads of an existence and heal. He can, in His mercy, touch any given moment because He is not bound by time. There is no such thing. Everything is compressed into the momentary existence. Past, present, and future are all one. Through Him, in my present moment, I can change and heal something that clings from the past. I can pray for His grace to go back and heal what I have done or didn't do. To be penitent in my present understanding of the consequences that I didn't grasp then. 

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty, and you learn a lot from it. A better statement would be that hindsight is hell. The saying, 'If I knew then what I know now.' That is hell. There is no way to go back and change what was known in the moment and act differently. That moment in time is gone forever. Over. Done. But for His mercy. For His mercy through Christ reaches down and covers a multitude of sin and shame. It heals the damage done by action or words. But it comes with a price. 

There must be a price paid in the present. That price is understanding how those actions or words impacted others and what they did to their existence from that moment on. How did their path change because of me? I am responsible for those moments. The Word says we will all give an account for our actions, the saved and unsaved alike. We all will answer. 

Pebbles in a pond. Our life ripples out, and those ripples touch many. Each day we change others by our actions and words. Even our thoughts matter. Meditation becomes action, and with action, consequences.  

I can be like a mountain. I can be still and let the ripples flow past me until the waters calm. I have a choice to be still or move. Sometimes the moment calls us to be still. 

To learn patience in the waiting. 

E

7/5 - It is what it is. Experiences matter. Choices matter. When you realize the pit you're in was dug by your own hands is a harsh reality to face. But it is what it is. Learn the lesson and move on. Sometimes pain is the only way for the soul to heal. Sometimes it is the pain that cleanses the darkness and lets the light in. It is just a matter of wanting the light more than the darkness. The positive more than the negative. Love more than hate. To forgive. Most importantly, to forgive oneself. 

Self-forgiveness is the hardest road I have had to walk in this life. But I'm doing it. Every day. With each step, I know I am enough, have always been enough, and will continue to be enough. I am worthy of forgiveness, worthy of peace, of love. Finally allowing myself to truly receive His forgiveness has taught me this. I have received pain and caused pain. Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. A statement I have come to love because it allows me to purge the darkness if it rises.

Divine mercy cover me, keep me, guard me, shield me, and hold me close. 

E

6/24 - I'm not quite sure why I am here again after all this time. It is strange to me. This writer's block, the proverbial brick wall, is still standing strong. I made myself write a poem and read some of my old stuff. I feel inadequate and feel so much has been lost.

I'm still that strange little duck off in her own little pond. I've come to appreciate the quiet, the silence, the void, if you will. It is a place of just being. Watching life flow around me and being still inside. Observing.

I guess I am learning patience in the waiting. I feel the 'why' may present itself if I can just be still. I have to know it.  Knowing gives a purpose to anything I do. If there isn't a purpose, then it is an empty thing to me. Hollow and of no use to anyone, least of all myself. Vanity, vanity, vanity. All for naught.

Ten years. A decade of my life has passed since I last wrote, and it is hard for me to comprehend. The phrase 'time flies' comes to mind but sounds hollow. The depth of experiences held in those years, the changes, make the phrase too indifferent.

Sending my words into the nothingness feels good. At least they are not stuck inside today. But tomorrow is a new day. We shall see what it brings.

E