Bending Reality

It is all vanity, layer after layer, vanity. The mist descends, slow insanity. Reach for grounding, solid, and firm. Embrace, let it go. Deep scars I see and hold. Broken glass upon my soul. It rends me from within. Showing original sin. I beg, I scream, I cry. All is vanity, all a lie. Slowly, the truth is told. Broken glass upon my soul. A heart covered in wounds that bleed. Silence greets me as I weep. In the shadows, I learn to pray. Sealed away, dry as death. Longing to be filled with love's breath. Each day I live, broken glass upon my soul. Each path I walk, broken glass upon my soul. Each breath I breathe, broken glass upon my soul. Each mark I leave, broken glass upon my soul. Healing cannot be without pain. Ignorance holds hands with shame. All is vanity, empty waste. Shadows in the darkness. Snuffing out hope with haste. A soul chained to memories, made weak. Tormented by whispers of hidden secrets and sin. Deep in the abyss, demons grin. Hiding the way to the spark, lif...

We cannot squeeze into one lifetime, the whole, The infinite expansion of the soul. Each lifetime we find, in the end, ultimately is made waste. Lifetime after lifetime we live and learn only to forget The love, the joy, the suffering, and the pain Only to return to do it all once again. To remember the lifetimes before The choices we make, the paths we take So many times of death, we partake. Every experience, every breath leaves us one last step. We step towards each other, or do we step apart. To strip it all away, to love, to live. Each day we seize with a double fist. Holding tight the day, the night. Fleeting moments, in the end, only to say I want to begin. The flicker of death, the glimmer of light, to touch, to feel So many days on the clock, we find, in the end, surreal. We begin life with a cry and end with a tear. Those left behind, the ones we hold dear. Too many lifetimes, too much fear, each a doorway With every turn of the key, ...

I know it has been a long while since my last posting.  I have been lost and am slowly finding my way out of the darkness.  Losing my mother has been the hardest thing I have ever walked through.  The main reason is that my mom was my grounding and shield.  I did not realize how much I depended on her presence in my life, whether I was with her or not.  The very knowledge that she existed brought such peace to my soul. I knew I could pick up the phone and hear her voice anytime I wished. I could see her whenever I wanted.  She was here. When she became sick, and I moved to take care of her, it was helplessness I could never have imagined. To watch someone I love die slowly and know there was nothing I could do to stop it was debilitating. I could only make her life as comfortable as possible. Dementia is cruel and horrifically unkind. After we had to say goodbye, I was utterly lost. I couldn't save my mom. She was gone. The regrets, waisted time, 'should-ha...

Between, I exist in ether I float and bend with the wind I breathe and expand like the stormy sea Carried away, lost and free Within the sphere of only me No one touches and no one sees I hold within because I cannot trust My heart, in pain the knife of life is thrust I acknowledge existence, if I must The sun, it rises again and again The moon, I dance, I spin and spin Delivering the sultry witch within Unashamed and unabashed Upon the sea of hope a life dashed Broken with knowledge, I now understand A soul of love struggles to be heard Within these walls breaking free A bird, fluttering, finally upon the wind Letting go of all that is lost within Expansion, eternal, a lasting call Alone, I am, within a shell no one can see That which I truly know, what is truly me I tried and failed, the sea of pain I am left to sail Lessons learned, too many to name Most of which I call my shame My only sin is to love without walls My name in this life will never be ca...

I have not the strength to fight anymore The longing for peace is gone The darkness beckons me into the night It still calls even though I no longer fight I stand on the edge contemplating the fall Awaken my soul and bring me home There is more than what I have been shown Many days wandering in the dark The cold seizes me and drains my heart I no longer care to understand why Untethered, my soul leaves the bonds Released, I step over the edge and finally, I fly Detached, unchained, last breath I breathe I know for me no soul would grieve My purpose was served, what mark I leave Resting now in the darkness, its embrace Tears of relief run down my face Back to the source, my soul to find No longer in pieces, rent and torn apart Reunited with source, the beginning of me Untethered from the chains and finally free The darkness shows the purpose of all No more days in the agony of my mind In the nothingness, it is comfort I find I cried to be under...

I am at a loss, dear reader.  How do I express myself when I struggle daily to understand my world right now?  I have never been here before, in this state.  This place is new to me and holds no security for me.  I am scattered in a million pieces, trying in vain to keep them together for any length of time.  Grief and pain fill me some days, and other days I feel normal if there is such a state.  It has taken me months to bring myself to this place to be able to write again.  I wonder if this too is in vain.  I believe I am afraid of feeling the pain which writing will bring.  But, maybe in doing so, I can begin to heal. I have lost my mom, dear reader.  She is finally at peace.  She left this existence October 24 as I held her face begging her to stay.  It was only she and I in her last moments of life.  Reduced to the child within, I kissed her and asked her not to leave just yet.  Yes, I was so very...

Dear reader, I have for the last few months found myself struggling to put upon the page the revelations I have come into.  So many changes in my life rendered me unable to reign in my scattered thoughts enough to put them in a cohesive form.  I find myself tonight finally finding the internal dialogue flowing and felt I should take advantage of this state as much as possible before it evades me once again.  I ask for your patience as I do my utmost to put before you, my thoughts.  Because, as many rabbit trails as my mind may possess, what follows may seem to you without conclusion or may seem disjointed and without a connection. A new revelation of what it means to be 'unconditional' came to me one afternoon after I read an article concerning judgment.  This article created a new understanding in me concerning the state of being 'unconditional.'  It is this - to be unconditional one must be able to accept all in their present moment as they are without...

Sunlight flutters and presses through the stained glass windows up high Dust dances within the light like the sprinkling of snow so white I stand in the hollow core of the church I once called my home Silence reigns down upon me, whispers of sacred prayers once sown Filling the emptiness, memories of worship echo through my mind Once I believed the holy purity of faith, but my soul ran out of time I listen for forgiveness, the sound of love, of heaven and truth so pure The darkness begins to fall upon this empty heart of which there is no cure From archway to pillar, from the altar up to the holy cross, I see only pain For many moons ago the enemy invaded and my weary soul he claimed In the hollow sounds of emptiness, there is no priest to pray once again for me There are no prayers to say to a heaven gone silent, the demons no longer flee Slowly the light fades from the sky taking the kaleidoscope of colors from my eyes I am weary of the battle with...

We all go through times in our lives when we feel unloved, disconnected from everyone around us, alone.  The loneliness which accompanies such a state of being is far beyond mere heart pain, it rends the soul open.  It flays the skin of emotions and reasoning.  It causes us to question why we are even here if we cannot be loved. Are we not meant for something more than loneliness?  Will we always be alone in the sun, in the rain?  Will we forever walk our path with no one to hold our hand, or wrap us up tight in an embrace that squeezes the breath from our lungs?  Will our soul only know the void of emptiness and silence without reciprocation?  Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we give so much of ourselves without expectation, but deep down there is a whisper of the soul saying, "Love me please." The love we seek isn't necessarily romantic in nature, it is a love filled with acceptance, joy because we exist, because we breathe and becau...

I have been contemplating for awhile how as children we begin our existence in this physical realm. We start our lives in many different states of being, positive or negative.  The circumstances we are conceived and born into help to shape who we become.  As a soul, we are here to evolve and expand the consciousness, becoming aware, awakening to the understanding of our true identity. We are more than just flesh and bone; we are eternal. There is a time in our lives where we are in a situation or circumstance which pushes us to analyze the beliefs we hold.  It may be in any moment of conflict or peace.  In such moments we view our convictions and beliefs from an objective view, allowing understanding to teach us their full context in our lives.  These moments are the process of awakening. When we are born into this physical realm, we have a sleeping spirituality.  Meaning, until we are 'awakened' to understand we are more than flesh, the spiritual aspec...

There are so many ways, wording, the reiteration of certain well-known phrases, or even phrases I have created myself, where I attempt to bring my self-growth to the page.   When I write, I always wonder, "Does this matter?  All has been contemplated by someone, then written or spoken, and most everything so more eloquently than I. What could I possibly add to make another think, feel or be on a deeper level? "  In the attempt to place upon the page the recesses of my contemplations, I struggle against the internal critique who tells me it all is for naught. What could I possibly say which would surpass the surface level of communication with the outer world and bring a deeper meaning?  I realize my path is not to do as others before have done, nor is it to just rewrite (or say) those things which have already been spun a thousand different ways already.  My path is to share my perspective and understanding of those revelations which have helped push me to know ...

Time in a bottle, that's what they say Take a hammer and shatter the glass Real love and truth is all that I ask Looking at you I see the pain Sitting there as it begins to rain Lost in your thoughts so far away My heart breaks for you and I don't know what to say No words I could speak would make things change You choose to stay there bound in the chains But what you don't know is the love I hold I want to reach out and hold your hand so cold I want to tell you it's all going to be okay The sun will rise, beautiful, free, a brand new day But because you close your heart, seal it tight After all we've been through I don't have the strength to fight Both of us are weary of the struggle, our souls tired Day in and day out caught deep in the mire What you need to hear is that I don't care The storms can beat me down as long as you are there If it takes all of my days, my forever, I'll show In this lifetime there is only one thing I know ...

I am with you in the darkness, that place kept from the light A place we all have to go to learn, to gain deep inner sight I will hold you fast while you are here until the pain ends Until the shadows cease their torment and the sun shines again My arms will hold you gently, affirming you are not alone I will whisper words of love, memories of how much you have grown In this place of dark, murky waters and storms and cold, hard rain I will help you remember there is a reason for your time here, a reason for the pain My presence will ground you, help keep you from falling apart Though the shadows circle, tearing at the precious love in your heart My words will tell you of your beautiful soul, whispering things of peace Whatever it takes while you are in the dark, you have my love to keep A madness rages against your tender soul, a lie that nothing matters in the end Feel my love, heart, soul and body, my dreams of a lifetime to spend I will be your anchor, ke...

What does it mean to have a romantic connection versus a soul connection with someone?  Are they the same?  I find myself differentiating the two as separate and very different states of being. What is a romantic?  According to Webster, "A romantic is someone who has beliefs or attitudes of romance characterized by the expressions of love and an idealized view of reality, positive or negative."  They quickly experience passionate, tender and loving emotions or thoughts. They also experience the dark side to these as well.  Their glasses are often rose-colored, and they are prone to rely mainly on the physical expressions of others and themselves to validate their romantic notions. Romantics experience primarily within the realm of the heart.  The heart is a powerful place to be. The potential for intense and even explosive expressions is found here.  The saying, "They wear their heart on their sleeve," applies to romantics.  The imagination fuel...

This post is a tribute to my mother.  I have taken much time in thought of how I wanted to tell the world of her.  For those who have followed this blog, there have been times I have spoken of her condition, which even now I am not prepared for.  Even though I am faced each day with the inevitability of her loss, I have struggled to find a way to put into words her essence of being.  I feel at last I have found a way to do this, and hopefully tell of a most beautiful soul whom I have had the privilege and honor of calling my mother. Ruadh gu brath is Scottish Gaelic for 'redheads forever'.  To tell my mother's story I must first begin with my grandmother Rebecca Ellen McEwen, for whom I am named. We are of the Clan McEwen of the Scottish highlands.  Our ancestral home is found on the coast of Loch Fyne where to this day the remnants of the Caisteal Mhic Eoghain , or Mac Ewen's castle, can be found.  The core of our clan is dated back to the Cl...